i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
