2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
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