keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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