that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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