Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize