the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
How does it feel to date your dad?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
