My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
