Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
