smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
