I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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