considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
