I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
