he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
