My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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