Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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