i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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