I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
is wine microwaveable?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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