I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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