Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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