You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
