I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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