I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
