Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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