I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
