nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
