Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
