we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
