Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
