So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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