I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize