I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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