So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
