I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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