i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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