I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
