You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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