I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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