I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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