I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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