Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
