He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
