i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
