I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Drunk is not a location!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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