If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
