Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize