it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
