If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
