When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
