How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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