Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize