awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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