The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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