haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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