According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
