I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
