i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
