My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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