He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
