ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
