i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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