I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
