i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
