You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
